Chapter Twenty

Maddy stepped into the folly the following day and waited for her eyes to adjust to the dimmer light inside. After a moment, she spotted Jamie, who sat motionless on one of the chaises, a glass of brandy in his hand, his eyes locked on her.

He stood in one fluid motion and crossed to her, kissing her hand formally. “Lady Madeline, thank you for meeting me today.”

She bobbed a curtsy and smiled. “It’s hardly a hardship to spend time with an old friend, my lord,” Maddy said in reply. Moments later, she was seated beside him, her own glass of brandy in her hand. “Are you well, my lord? You seem… uncomfortable.”

Jamie barked out a laugh, noting his rigid posture as he sat at the other end of the chaise, felt the tension in every one of his muscles. “Very perceptive,” he grinned, and she couldn’t help but smile in return, watching as he visibly relaxed. “You said something the other day, about trust, and opening myself up to you. As it’s becoming more and more clear that I’m…”

“You’re?” Maddy prompted.

“Enamored, Lady Madeline, and I thought it only fair to lay out my darkest secret, and let you see for yourself why we are a poor match,” Jamie said in a rush. “But you were right – if something is to come of us, then it is only fair that I trust you.”

“You can tell me anything, my lord. We are, as you’ve reminded me many times, old friends,” Maddy said with an encouraging smile, even as her heart soared at the thought that he was ‘enamored’ with her. “And I’m sure whatever you think is so ‘dark’ is not, truly. I’ve told you my darkest secret in the world – my loveless marriage, my inexperience in sexual relations -  so what is yours, Lord Carrington?”

Jamie blushed slightly as his mind abruptly recalled his greatest shame: and his greatest passion.

That small room in Amiens, with Evette on her knees before him, teasing him with her mouth…

That night was indeed his darkest secret, he knew.

And one he couldn’t imagine telling this innocent creature beside him.

“I have many secrets,” he stalled. “I was, after all, a spy.”

“Did you do any truly dastardly deeds?” Madeline asked, her eyes lit with amusement and excitement. “Is that the darkness you speak of?”

Evette reaching down into her boot without his notice as he tilted his head back, her mouth warm on his cock, his neck exposed to her…

“A few,” he said with a wry grin. “Nothing fit to tell a lady, though, and no, that’s not what I wanted to tell you.”

Madeline pretended to pout. “I’ve already admitted that my husband didn’t satisfy me sexually. You really think I’m going to be the only one to share such a shameful secret? As you said, my lord, we’re old friends.”

Evette replacing her mouth with her hand, her fist squeezing his cock almost to the point of pain as she shifted at his feet…

“I don’t want to… I don’t want to offend your sensibilities, Lady Madeline. My greatest secret is depraved, embarrassing, and… sexual in nature. I don’t wish to disrespect you.”

Madeline watched him, her breath hitching in her throat slightly. “Tell me,” she demanded huskily, suddenly sounding in control.

Which nearly sent him out of control.

And before he could blink, Evette pressed the knife to his throat, a blur of French erupting from her mouth, the knifepoint drawing a pinprick of blood…

“Please,” Madeline ordered.

And Jamie coming with more force, more ecstasy than he had ever known, filling Evette’s hand with him, even as she cursed his name.

Lord Carrington sighed, ready to acquiesce to her request, even at the risk of offending her propriety. “As you know, I was a spy in France during the war. I had many contacts, both male and female that passed sensitive information to me. One contact in particular was named Evette, and we met in Amiens on many occasions. You know where Amiens is?”

He paused, but Maddy gestured for him to continue, nodding her head.

“As you can imagine, these… interludes became increasingly heated, and one night, we decided to act on our ‘passions’. I was not particularly attracted to her, but thought that if we had a sexual relationship, I might be able to extract more information from her. As a spy, it was my duty to garner information by any means necessary.”

“I understand,” Madeline said, nodding.

“We were alone in the room, in the middle of the night, and she began to… pleasure me with her mouth. Naturally, I enjoy the sensation, but as with any other woman I’ve been with, it was not the paradise many believe. Until…”

“Until?” Madeline asked, her eyes widening slightly.

Jamie’s voice dropped to a whisper. “As she was… pleasuring me with her mouth, she pulled a knife from her boot and thrust it against my throat, even as she gripped me in her hand. I’ve never… pardon me, my lady, but I’ve never come so hard in my life. I completely and utterly lost control. And that night I learned that I need that element of danger, I need to be out of control of the situation to be fully satisfied. That combination of danger with the knife and pleasure of my manhood was truly the most erotic encounter of my life.”

Madeline licked her dry lips, but waited patiently for him to continue.

“After she threatened to kill me, she ordered me around all night – I was to let her ‘ride me like a stallion’, and to submit to a blindfold while she did all manner of sexual acrobatics with me, all while threatening me with torture, or death.”

Evette astride him, taking him deeply inside her as she raked her nails down his chest and urged him for more…

 It was… deeply erotic. Being out of control, being forced to submit… though I hate to admit it, it was the biggest sexual charge of my life, and with a woman I wasn’t even attracted to.”

Evette shoving his hands away as he tried to reach for her breasts, slapping him across the face and calling him her sexual slave, and slaves do nothing without permission…

Maddy sat quietly, waiting for his confessional to continue, sensing that he had more to say to her – and to himself.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he said after a long pause. “I enjoy women, I always have, but that night – that night changed me. I wasn’t teasing when I said I was a war-torn wreck, because what woman would not only submit to me, but allow me to submit to her? It’s not the natural order of things. It’s wrong. It’s not erotic, it’s not sensual, it’s just… wrong. I’m wrong. I’m wrong, Maddy.” His voice broke at the last moment, and Madeline wanted so badly to reach out her hand to him, to offer him comfort, even as her heart turned over at hearing her own name on his lips.

But she wasn’t sure comfort was what he wanted at this moment.

“You aren’t wrong, my lord,” she said quietly. “By my understanding, there’s no right or wrong when it comes to sexual relations. You simply learned that night what most excites you. What’s wrong in that?”

“To be submissive to a woman? To need to be out of control? How can that not be wrong? How could a knife at my throat make me lose such control? It was everything I could do not to throw her to the ground and thrust myself inside her, even as she was trying to kill me. Which, obviously she didn’t, but still. It excited me, Maddy. More than I care to admit.”

Maddy wasn’t sure what to say to this revelation, but she could visibly see how much it had pained Jamie to admit it.

She felt sure he’d never truly admitted this to anymore – not even himself. She could see him slump back now, the might of revealing his secret seeming to have drained him.

Instead of offering comfort or explanation, she decided to try a different tack.

“Kiss me,” she said firmly after a lengthy pause.

Jamie’s head whipped around, fixing her with a confused stare. “Wh- what?”

“Kiss me,” she repeated, not moving a muscle.

“Lady Madeline,” he said, still watching her. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I know very well what I’m saying,” she countered. “Kiss me.”

Jamie stood abruptly, the room swirling around him with the force of his confession. “I’m… no. I’m not going to…”

Madeline stood now, facing him, her hands on her hips, her eyes suddenly ablaze. “I. Said. Kiss. Me,” she said, enunciating every word.

And with that, something inside him snapped.

He moved forward so quickly, Maddy didn’t have time to move even a muscle. He gripped her upper arms, propelling her backwards until her back bumped against the front door, jarring the breath from her slightly. He slid his hands down her arms, gripping her wrists and with a swift tug, yanked them up above her head, pinning her in place. His body followed a moment later, the length of him pressed her firmly against the solid wood, trapping her in place.

He took a breath, and then brought his lips down to hers, slowing at the last second, kissing her more gently than he intended, rather than crushing his lips to hers as he wanted to. She sighed into his mouth, and he took the opportunity to part her lips, thrusting his tongue into her mouth, tasting her.

Her hands still pinned above her, the bodice of her gown pressed against his chest, he could swear he could feel her nipples through the dress, feel the heat of her body against his as he plundered her mouth again and again, tasting, exploring, wanting more.

She yipped when he bit her lip slightly, and then countered by tracing her tongue along his bottom lip tentatively, making him shiver.

For a woman with little experience in sex, she knew exactly what to do to drive a man wild.

For long minutes, they stood pressed against each other, pinned in place by each other as their mouths were fused, the strength of his erection threatening to explode against his trousers. He wanted so badly to yank down that dress, to lick her nipples, to lick her clit, to truly taste her, to make her come with a scream…
And that’s when he knew he had to stop.

He pulled back from her mouth, and noting the high colour in her cheeks, gently released his grasp on her wrists. Her arms fell limply to her sides, even as she watched him with a veiled expression.

“Well,” she said after a long moment. “That was… new for me.”

“Why did you do that?” He breathed, still staring at her.

“Do what?”

“Force me to…”

“I didn’t force you to do anything,” Maddy said, tugging at her gown self-consciously. “I simply commanded you to kiss me. The rest was… of your own accord.”

“My god, I could have hurt you. Did I hurt you?” he asked hurriedly, his face a mask of horror, but she smiled at him shyly.

“I’m not hurt, my lord,” she whispered. “Unless you count the hurt that I felt that you stopped.”

“I’m not going to sully you in this folly, Lady Madeline. I’m not going to force myself on you in a folly in the middle of nowhere, especially when I’m… I’m not in my right mind.”

“It felt right to me,” she said, daring to reach out and touch his hand. “Truly. I’ve wanted that for a long time. Even more so since the last time we met here.”

“No,” he said firmly. “Not here, not like this.”

“Because you don’t like me?”

“No!” Jamie barked indignantly.

“Oh, so you do?” Maddy said with a teasing grin.

“Maddy… you already know the answer to that.”

“Then is it because you don’t trust me?” Maddy tried again, still watching him as he took another step away from her.

“I just told you… I just told you something I’ve never admitted to anyone, and you question my trust in you?!” Jamie said, his face showing his fury and hurt.

“Is it because you are afraid?” Maddy whispered, wanting so badly to reach out and touch him, but not daring to.

Jamie’s blue eyes locked on hers, and she read so many emotions coursing through them. Finally, he spoke in a whisper. “Yes. I’m afraid. Of losing control. Of having you take control. Of this thing between us fizzling out. Of not ever feeling the way I did in Amiens again. But mostly, I’m afraid of hurting you.”

“If it’s any consolation, my lord,” Maddy said after a long pause. “I’m not afraid. And I trust you. I trust you, Jamie.”

His features softened at the sound of his name on her lips, and he smiled at her softly. “You deserve more. And you’ll have it,” he said, taking a step closer and pressing his lips to her temple tenderly, his emotions back in check. “I promise you that.”

Madeline felt herself shiver at his promise – his threat.

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